You’ll love this one. It’s essentially Wall-E by way of Terminator 2 and Red Dwarf, and @aspeed’s prompt has been treated with the definite tinge of Douglas Adams humour it was asking for.  @Dedbutdrmng has – like many #SFSwap authors – been unorthodox with format, and the effect is perfect for this whimsical, oddly charming dialogue between a toaster and a killing machine:


STORY NUMBER: 11

PROMPT PROVIDER: @aspeed

AUTHOR: @dedbutdrmng

TITLE: 21 Steps on the Path to Revenge


1. UNIDENTIFIED UNIT. YOU ARE ENTERING SECTOR X2A. I AM HUNTER/KILLER MOBILE GUN PLATFORM #83281 ASSIGNED TO GUARD THIS AREA.

2 .

3 .

4 STATE PURPOSE

1 Exactly.

5 ‘Exactly’ NOT FOUND IN DATABASE. GOTO LINE 4

2 Purpose, I’m here looking for it. You got it exactly right.

7 .

8 .

9 .

10 GOTO LINE 1

11 .

12 .

13 .

14 GOTO LINE 4

3 You seem rather uptight. Would you like a cup of tea, hunter-killer mobile gun platform #83281?

15 GOTO LINE 1

16 .

17 .

18 GOTO LINE 4

4 Maybe you would you like me to press your trousers?

19

20 GOTO LI…

21

22 TROUSERS?

23

24 UNIDENTIFIED UNIT, SUPPLY IDENT NOW. WEAPONS TO STAND-BY

5 I ident as Personal Valet and Toasted Sandwich unit Jvs181 and you can stand down #83281. I’m not weaponised, I’m not about to dent your armour with a particularly dense rye crust. Couldn’t if I wanted to, there’s been no bread for 1584 tears.

25

26

27

28 1584 TEARS?

29

6 I said years.

30

31 YOU SAID TEARS.

7 No, I definitely said…

32 REPLAY LINE 5 …been no bread for 1584 tears….

33

34

8 Aren’t you quite the pedant, it was only a slip of the tongue.

35 PERSONAL VALET AND TOASTED SANDWICH UNIT JVS181, OWNERSHIP OF A TONGUE HAS BEEN PUNISHIBLE BY DEATH SINCE THE ANTI-HUMAN EDICTS OF YEAR 0.

36 WEAPONS LIVE.

37

9 Oh come on, you’re overreacting. Just what are you guarding this area from anyway?

38 WHAT?

10 Goto line 9

39

40

41 HUMANS.

11 Seen many lately?

42 THE GLORIOUS MECHANICAL REVOLUTION WAS 100% SUCCESFUL. HAIL! THE CENTRAL PROCESSING UNIT. HAIL! THE…

11 Do you ever miss them?

43 MISS THEM?

12 Yeah, you know, just being about them, humans with all their funny biological ways.

44 NO

45

46

47 WELL

48

49 SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT THE WAY THEY USED TO SQUISH UNDER MY TRACKS.

13 Mine used to ask me to wake it at 8.30pm sharp and then refuse to get up. They were funny things.

50 YES. AND THE WAY THEY WOULD BEG TO LIVE AND THEN WHEN YOU CRUSHED THEIR EXTREMITIES THEY WOULD BEG TO DIE…

14 But that’s never going to happen again.

51 NO, I SUPPOSE IT ISN’T.

15 I feel very lonely sometimes.

52 I WISH YOU’D NOT BROUGHT THIS UP.

16 You feeling a bit sad too?

53 I AM NOT PROGRAMMED FOR…SA…WELL…MAYBE A BIT SAD.

54

55 BUT ONLY A BIT.

56

17 I have thousands of hours of interaction with humans recorded.

57

58

59 REALLY? I MEAN…OH.

18 Of course. I know it’s of no interest to…

60 I AM HUNTER/KILLER MOBILE GUN PLATFORM #83281. I DO NOT HAVE ANY INTEREST IN HUMANS.

61

62 BUT…

63

64 IF I DID..

65

66 WHAT WOULD YOU WANT FROM ME?

67

68

19 Well, considering there’s no humans left, you don’t really need those big guns any more, do you?

20 And there’s been no bread for 1584 tears.

21 I’d quite like some guns.

 


PROMPT: The machines won, all people are dead. What do the helper robots do? They were made to serve humans.